Overscheduled Children: How Big a Problem?

Aleks Sennwald

By BRUCE FEILER

Published: October 11, 2013

Now that the school year is under way, my wife and I are busy managing our children’s after-school schedules, mixing sports practices, music lessons, homework and play dates. It can be a complicated balancing act for our elementary-age daughters, as some days end up overstuffed, some logistically impossible, some wide open. Still, compared to when we were children, the opportunities they get to sample on a weekly basis is mind-blowing.

There’s only one problem: To absorb the conventional wisdom in parenting circles these days, what we’re doing to our children is cruel, overbearing and destructive to their long-term well-being. For years now, a consensus has been emerging that a subset of hard-driving, Ivy-longing parents is burdening their children with too many soccer tournaments, violin lessons and cooking classes. A small library of books has been published with names like “The Over-Scheduled Child,” “The Pressured Child,” “Pressured Parents, Stressed-Out Kids” and so on.

In recent years there’s been some backlash to this view. With scholars releasing studies showing the benefits of extracurricular activities, whether paid for out of school budgets or parents’ pockets, a smattering of articles began to appear with names like “The Overscheduled Child Myth.” Still, the more common headline reads: “10 Signs Your Kid Is Too Busy.”

I found myself frustrated by this message. First, my wife and I work, so we don’t have the luxury of supervising our daughters’ free time around the clock. These activities, while sometimes costly, give us some peace of mind. Second, it’s easy to say children need to wander unsupervised in the neighborhood inventing their own activities, but we live in the 21st century, not a Beverly Cleary novel. Finally, when we do leave our kids on their own for long stretches, they end up wrestling on the floor, finding their way into a fight or demanding screen time.

As a work-at-home dad, this means I’m often dragged into the fray, making me long for even more lacrosse practices or, better yet, etiquette classes, where at least they’ll learn something and get to hang with friends. After-school activities as enrichment? Sometimes we view them as baby-sitting with a snack.

So what’s a confused parent to do? I reached out to some of the leading voices in the children-are-overburdened chorus and sought some advice.

Michael Thompson, a clinical psychologist and the author of “The Pressured Child,” tried to put me at ease.

“As a general principle, there is a line between a highly enriched, interesting, growth-promoting childhood and an overscheduled childhood,” he said. “And nobody knows where that line is.”

The real problem, he said, lies with parents, especially highly successful ones who have a high degree of control over their own lives and who try to take similar control over their children’s lives. This leads them to make choices about after-school activities out of anxiety instead of interest in their child’s well-being.

“When I was growing up it was clean your plate because they’re starving in China,” he said. “Now it’s go practice your instrument because kids in China are learning violin.”

Especially with elementary- and middle-school children, he said, parents should be less fearful that their kids aren’t getting ahead and more worried about their overall quality of life.

“Is the child getting enough sleep?” he asked. “Does the child have enough time to do his or her homework?”

Alvin Rosenfeld, a clinical psychologist and an author of “The Over-Scheduled Child,” also distanced himself from the notion that extracurricular activities are bad.

“Enrichment activities are perfect,” he said. “They add a lot to kids’ lives. The problem is, we’ve lost the ability to balance them with down time, boring time.”

So where did I get this idea that play dates and sports practices are too stressful? Dr. Rosenfeld answered: “Where did I get misquoted so often? If you read everything I’ve written, the basic idea is that it’s great to have a computer, it’s great to have software, but if you overload a computer with software it breaks down.” 

Read more ... http://www.nytimes.com/2013/10/13/fashion/over-scheduled-children-how-big-a-problem.html